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On Father's Day 2007, I watched a touching TV special about missing dads-dads missing from their teenage children's lives. Five or six teenagers, all about 16 to 17 years old were interviewed and asked to share how they felt, and what they thought about their absent fathers. The situation was sadly the same for all of them: Their father was gone for some reason or another; they hadn't seen or talked to him for quite a long time; and most heartrending, they missed him terribly. Most of the interviewees were girls, but there was one young man, too.
It tore my heart out as I listened to these truly hurting and emotionally traumatized young people. Their grief was so evident, so real - it emerged from the depths of their souls. They all cried, shedding real tears, they all used tissues to wipe their eyes, and they all touched their forehead like we do when the pain becomes so great we can hardly contain it.
Through the many tears and much crying they all said the same things:
- "I wish my dad was here."
- "I wish he would call."
- "I wish he would give me a hug."
- (The girls said) "I wish he would give me a kiss, hold my hand, tell me I'm pretty, or touch my hair."
- "We used to go places together."
- "I wish we could go places together again."
- "I feel like there is something wrong with me."
- "Something is missing - there is a big hole inside me and nothing fills it up."
- "I miss him."
Significantly, they did not berate, criticize, or attack their father. They did not condemn him, nor did they express any bitterness or animosity towards him. Not one of them talked badly about him. Each one of these young men and women ached for his/her father, and each one desperately wanted him back.
I found myself deeply moved by what they said. My limited words here can't even begin to express what I saw and felt for them. I found myself praying on their behalf. At that time I made a new commitment within myself and to my daughter to make sure I say and do things for her so she will know I'm there - even though I am still working through the previous DeadBEATmom behavior that was forced upon our relationship by her "loving" mother.
Many persons are all too willing to stereotype an absent father as one who is selfish, decadent, drug or alcohol addicted, narcissistic, or sexually promiscuous. Sadly, a percentage of absent fathers are guilty of some of these negative characteristics, BUT BY NO MEANS ALL!!!!! This page is here to talk about another, all too real, much more prevalent than we wish to acknowledge, reason why a dad could be gone: He was driven away by the pathological selfishness of a DeadBEATmom. Yes, I said that correctly, in great sorrow and frustration he found himself an unwilling participant in an ongoing, psychologically twisted battle, waged in the insecure mind of his ex-wife-his child's mother, who often used deceptive court orders and less-than-honorable lawyers to achieve her ignoble "victories"-where he and his children found themselves the losing party. Thus, he was driven away by the vanity and selfishness of a DeadBEATmom.
From the child's point of view, is doesn't matter why the father is gone. It matters only that he IS gone. What happens to a child, and what a child goes through becomes their reality, regardless of the reason for a father's absence. If he has left because he is a drug addict, an alcoholic, or a heartless self-centered jerk, the child feels and experiences the things in the list above, and worse. If he is gone because he was driven away by the selfishness of a DeadBEATmom, the child will feel and experience the same things in the same list, and worse. It is the same for them either way.
I do not accept the notion that a mother can truly love her children and engage in purposeful activity designed to push their father away at the same time. These ideas are not compatible. These beliefs are mutually exclusive. Each is entirely contrary to the other. It is my position that any mother who willfully and maliciously pushes a reasonable, responsible, and loving father out of a child's life, is actively pushing that child into unrelenting heartache and pain, brought on by feelings of seperation and loss.
DeadBEAT Moms, it may come as a surprise to you, but children actually want their fathers in their lives; they actually love him; they really don't want you chasing him away. Conduct of this nature is an outrage! YOU have absolutely no right to do this! YOU should be ashamed of yourself!
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