Things to look for

When we first meet a woman, during the initial romantic phase, we are often totally blind to warning signs that we may be embarking on an unhealthy relationship. In our "modern" culture where a very large percentage of marriages end in divorce, where women are nearly always awarded custody of the children just because of their sex, it behooves us to pay attention to what those we spend our time with are saying and doing. Somebody once told me, “Just listen to another person talk, and they'll tell you all about themselves.” I agree.

The way I see it – if a woman is saying or doing any of the following things, she probably already is, or is going to be, a Deadbeat mom:

1. She speaks negatively about her child's father in the presence of, or within the earshot of her child. If she has children from a previous relationship and she is doing this sort of thing, she is demonstrating what sort of ex, and mother, she is. I see this as a serious cause for alarm.
2. You observe her trying to dissuade her child wanting to visit their dad. The child says "I want to visit my dad..." she replies with something like "What do you want to go over there for?" with the right emphasis on the right words to be translated into " I don't want you to go over there" resulting in no visit with their father.
3. You observe she is not obeying the parenting plan from a previous relationship. For example:
   • She arrives at the father's house many hours before the scheduled time visitation ends to pick up the children; she somehow expects this to be acceptable and to be given the children without complaint.
   • She calls unexpectedly and demands that the father bring the children home to her house at once - at a time inconsistent with the parenting plan and when she is supposed to be picking them up.
   • She asks for money above and beyond what the parenting plan asks the father to supply.
   • She uses the child support money for her own personal needs: cigarettes, alcohol, clothes, makeup etc...
   • She threatens to drag the father into court again if he doesn't acquiesce to her unreasonable demands.
   Not observing a parenting plan currently ordered by the court system is a huge red flag! Should you have children with her and later split up requiring yet another parenting plan, do you think she will abide by its instructions? She has already shown you that she won't. I've seen mothers who believe the parenting plan is to protect the mother's rights from the father, but has nothing to do with protecting the father's rights from the mother. The parenting plan is there for both parents.

Conduct of this nature is an outrage!

4. She may say ruthlessly mean and sarcastic things to the child directly, for example:
   • "I wish I had never married him."
   • "I wish I had never met him."
   • "I wish he wasn't your father."
   • "Why did he have to be your dad?"
   The words "he" and "him" are often dripping heavily with disdain or anger. In essence, saying things like these are tantamount to saying "I wish you had never been born" and "I wish you weren't my child". For, if he hadn't been the father, that specific child would never have been born. A specific woman, and a specific man brought that specific child into the world. Had there been different parents would a child have been born? Yes, but not the child standing before you now, a different one. Please don't say things like this to your children, or someplace where they can hear you.
5. ”I had to take him to court,” “I had to sue,” “We are in court right now...” While not always the case, this may be a red flag, especially if she has been in court more than once, and particularly: If she appears to be gloating about how great is was to "thrash him" in court; or, with a sinister grin she describes how she "got even" or "got him good"; or gleefully tells you about the unrealistically-high, unbalanced amount of money or property her lawyer "got for her", things that wouldn't be part of a normal divorce decree.... As her new man you might even agree with her that it is/was a good idea at the time, and/or you may actually help her in a case against an ex, but think about this... you're next!
6. Still more unconscionable things a total DeadBEATmom may angrily say to an already hurting child:
   • "You are not allowed to love him."
   • "If you want to love me, you can't love him."
   • "I told you before, you can't have a good time over there!"
   Think about it; what do you think insensitive statements like these will do to a child?

"Mothers typically try to prove loyalty to their new spouses by supplanting them in place of the children’s biological fathers"

7. ”I won't let him near the children…” or "I have to keep him away..." or "I don't care what the parenting plan says, he's not seeing the children..." If she is saying anything about successfully keeping the children and father apart, she is raising a huge red flag. I think statistics say something like 90% of the claims of mothers needing to keep a "dangerous" father away from children are totally fraudulent.
8. ”My mom will be better off when my dad is dead.” I believe this sort of talk shows some real hate and cause for serious alarm - another red flag. My ex-wife used to say this sort of thing about her father, of course she said something similar to me later.
9. When speaking of her own father she says things like, ”My dad is a jerk, an a-hole, a moron" etc. Perhaps he really is one, but maybe he isn't. Perhaps she was "taught" he was by her mother. Either way, any ongoing negative talk about her father could be reason for real concern. It is not uncommon for people to transfer the feelings of anger and hate they harbor towards a parent onto a current spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. If she dislikes her father this much, sooner or later it will probably spill over onto you – simply because you are the man in her life.
10. If there are problems or difficulties in a child's life, she blames them all on the father. Let’s do the math. In a normal divorce decree where the father has alternating weekend visits and every other Wednesday for a few hours, the mother has about 85% of the child’s time and the father has something like 15%. By sheer volume of time, which one of these has a greater ability (hence responsibility), in shaping the child’s development? Of course both are responsible, but in my judgment the more time one has with a child the more they are responsible for that development due to the simple fact that what we "do" teaches children more than what we "say." I am speaking of (if it is possible) reasonably normal divorced families here - I acknowledge, if alcohol or drug abuse, or any other sort of child abuse is involved, the parent with 15% of the time can seriously damage a child, but that is not who this site is dedicated to, remember?

I believe the sort of woman who behaves in ways similar to those above does so based upon what sort of woman she is, not because of what sort of men we are. All of us are responsible for our own attitudes and actions.

The previous list is in no way meant to be all-inclusive, nor does it offer any advice on what anybody should do. I'm merely pointing out actions that constitute "Deadbeat Mom" behavior as I see it.