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Whom does it hurt? It pretty much hurts all parties involved; the children, the suffering father, it even hurts the offending DeadBEATmom.
DeadBEATmom behavior hurts the children; ask any legitimate child-therapist you want. If you or somebody you know engages in behaviors similar to those listed in this website; ask any legitimate child-therapist you want if such malicious actions affect the children. A legitimate therapist will have a Bachelors Degree, or perhaps a Masters Degree in the field, and, if female, will be a healthy, well-rounded person, not one who is given to man-hating conduct herself.
An innocent child, who loves her dad, has to suffer in silence as she tows the line so as not to get in trouble if she accidentally loves her dad while at mom’s. She still suffers in silence when she goes and visits her dad because she can’t talk to him about what is going on at her mom’s house because she is afraid she will get into trouble for talking. She knows when her mom comes to pick her up there will be a question and answer session about what went on during the visit. This goes on for years. Young children are not equipped to deal with these adult issues. Unfortunately the child will learn to cope, but at what cost? There will be issues later in life, many studies bear this out. Moreover, according to many experts, DeadBEATmom type behavior is tantamount to child abuse.
Beyond it being child abuse, DeadBEATmom type behavior would probably be considered a form of brainwashing. I looked up the term “Brainwashing” at a couple of online dictionary / encyclopedia sites, here is what I found.
(Brainwashing is) "a forcible indoctrination to induce someone to give up basic political, social, or religious beliefs and attitudes and to accept contrasting regimented ideas." (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary).
(Brainwashing is a) “systematic effort to destroy an individual's former loyalties and beliefs and to substitute loyalty to a new ideology or power. The techniques of brainwashing usually involve isolation from former associates and sources of information; an exacting regimen calling for absolute obedience and humility; strong social pressures and rewards for cooperation; physical and psychological punishments for noncooperation, including social ostracism and criticism, deprivation of food, sleep, and social contacts, bondage, and torture; and constant reinforcement. Its effects are sometimes reversed through deprogramming, which combines confrontation and intensive psychotherapy.” (Britannica dot com).
While these offer extreme definitions, you can clearly see that parts of them do apply.
It absolutely hurts the suffering father. Mothers, when you desire to hurt, get back at, or to get even with your ex-husband or ex-boyfriend by doing the sort of things described in this website; you succeed, you hurt us, and you achieve our goal… Mission accomplished! I’m sure you and your friends have had many celebrations over your victories. But I can tell you from first hand experience that it hurts a lot, the pain runs deeper than any I've ever known; it is practically unbearable. Mine and tens of thousands of others, our relationships with our daughters may never be the same. Yes, you appeased your thirst for vengeance; yes, you got even with me; and yes, you had your momentary victory. But please consider this; what was the price? It is my opinion the price is staggeringly high, it is the pain and developmental problems that your child will suffer - if they are not suffering already. Think about this as you see your child’s grades falling in school, your child dropping out of school, or you wonder where your child is because she keeps running away, when you find cigarettes or drugs in her room and worse. Think of these things as you drive her to her weekly therapy appointment.
After many years of enduring the suffering and hurt caused by the contempt and spite of an ex-wife, many dads are finally driven away. Heartbroken, they have almost no contact with their children; it is just too painful to try anymore. Then, when they actually have a visit with thier kids it might feel awkward or uncomfortable. The true DeadBEATmom will even use these to her advantage… Still holding him accountable, she will use these as "proof" she has been right all along in her degradations, completely oblivious to the fact that she drove him away. This is so sad, especially for the child who misses her dad.
DeadBEATmom behavior hurts the DeadBEATmom as well. The way I see it, when kept inside, the type of anger it takes to create a DeadBEATmom will eat away at your soul and cause horrible bitterness. A bitter person is no fun to be around, because the bitterness is constantly leaking out, causing arguments and problems with everybody around you. Plus, many studies have been done in the area of stress and how its long-term effects cause illnesses and other physical, emotional and mental issues.
Sadly, I've heard the following excuses as to why DeadBEATmom’s think their behavior is OK:
I've heard "He does it too... so why should I stop?" You could say that if you want, but I would reply this way; do you believe it's better if both of you damage your child rather than only one of you? You see, if one of you stops 50% of the damaging influence on the child stops.
Still others say "The children agree with me... so it doesn't affect them in a negative way." I would respond by saying, are you sure? Have you asked them? I challenge you to ask them if it bothers them to hear all the negative things you say about their father (the dad they are trying to love and spend time with). Regrettably, some children have been so traumatized by the deadbeat parent's actions; they don't even know how to think or what to believe anymore. They think what they are supposed to think, what they have been taught to think; the line of where the parents' attitudes and thoughts end and where the child's own feelings and thoughts begin is blurred.
In closing, think about this: How can a young child have a loving and caring relationship with one of the most important human beings in their life when there is an angry, mean, unforgiving female constantly chipping away at the foundation of that relationship? When enough is chipped away, there is no more relationship.
I wonder if there's a special place in hell for unrepentant DeadBEATmoms...
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