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"Deadbeat Mom"

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talk2me@deadbeatmom.info

Do you now have, or have you ever had, children who regularly spend time with their other parent as outlined in a court-mandated parenting plan? If so, would you be willing to take part in this survey? I would appreciate your input. It's very simple and will only take a few moments.

This survey is completely anonymous, nobody but you will know how you answered. Please be honest with yourself. Usually the first answer that comes to your mind is the best one.

You don't have to actually answer the questions if you don't want to; I think by just reading it through you'll get the point. Please be sure to read the "In closing" section which follows the survey.

The setting for the survey is as follows; you are the father (or step-mother) of an elementary-school-aged child, (or children); while not perfect, you are basically a healthy, well-balanced, well-adjusted person trying to move on with your life after a divorce. You are not an alcoholic, a drug addict, or in any way a danger to your child. Per the parenting plan the child, (or children), have regular visitation in your home. The mother (or bio-mom) is the custodial parent.

Below I've listed a number of situations to think about. All of them are real-life scenarios that a parent was exposing a child to. Most of these have been mentioned in this website on other pages, but here we get to express what we think of the behavior. Please read each one carefully. Using the pull-down menu to the right of each question – choose an answer that best describes your response.

For a majority of the questions, choose ONE of the following responses:

OK with this
Somewhat OK with this
Uncertain about this
Somewhat opposed to this
NOT OK with this

For the sake of continuity among the questions, I chose to write them all from the viewpoint of a father who is concerned about what’s happening with his children while in the custody of their mother. This is a change; originally I posted the survey from a woman's point of view. I also tried a neutral-gender and a mixed-gender format at one time, but found the questions flow better using only one gender's viewpoint. This does not mean I believe only women are doing these things.

I encourage everybody to participate in the survey: Moms, Dads, step-moms, step-dads, grandmothers, grandfathers, uncles, aunts, brothers and sisters - even older children. As you do so, if needed, just reverse the gender of what we will call the “offending parent” is in each question.

There are no "right" or "wrong" answers – what you honestly think in each situation is the answer for you.

Use the pull-down menu by each question to select the response that best illustrates your opinion:
1.	You find out she has been consuming alcohol and driving with your children in the car.
2.	Question suggested by a visitor. You learn your child’s mother has been consuming excessive quantities of alcohol in the presence of your child at their home to such an extent that she has been prone to drunken rages that include mental and emotional abuse of your child, and then threatens your child with severe consequences if he or she reports these behaviors to you or another party.
3.	You learn she called 911 because there was a medical emergency, your child was rushed to the emergency room in an ambulance but she never mentions it to you.
4.	She had genuine concerns about a health issue, and rightly took your child to a doctor who diagnoses a serious condition and begins treatment, but she doesn’t tell you about it on more than one occasion.
5.	She continually uses your child to communicate with you about serious issues that require adult communication (minor visitation changes, doctor appointments, etc.), rather than communicate with you directly.
6.	It comes to your attention that she encourages your child to call her short-term live-in boyfriend “Dad,” YET insists the child refer to you by your first name while at the mother’s home. She “justifies” this distinction to your young child by saying to him/her, “You have two dads.”
7.	What if she habitually criticizes you; or constantly calls you all sorts of bad words; or speaks negatively of you in an untruthful manner; in other words, an unending bad-mouthing of you… in ways your child can hear and understand.
8.	Imagine that she told your child, “Your father used to beat you,” when it is not true.
9.	She tells your child other blatant lies about you.
10.	She purposely expresses fraudulent information about you on court documents and/or commits perjury during testimony about you during courtroom hearings on custody or support issues.
11.	Her new live-in boyfriend is an alcoholic, or addict. She doesn't appear to be concerned about the negative influence daily contact with this person has on your child.
12.	You mail little cards and letters to your child; she intercepts them and throws them in the trash instead of giving them to your child.
13.	Imagine running about 15 minutes late when going to pick up your children only to find she has hidden them from you – then discover this is based upon her warped understanding of the parenting plan as follows – visitation is forfeited if you are late, if you are not there exactly on time, you lose the visit.
14.	Would you be ok with her blatantly disobeying the parenting plan?
15.	Imagine this; she forbids your child from talking to you about anything that happens over at her house, and then requires that your child tell her everything that happens at your house.
16.	She calls the police and claims you are not obeying the parenting plan and wants to press charges; when in truth you are in compliance and she knows it; she has called the police because she is mad at you because you are not meeting an unreasonable demand of hers - one that differs from what the parenting plan says.
17.	A woman allows her 14 year-old daughter's boyfriend to actually move into their home; he is an 18 year-old man.
18.	Question suggested by a visitor. Do you think a parent is a deadbeat if they pay their child support on time, every time, but refuse to take calls from the custodial parent and make no attempt to visit with or speak with the child?
19.	Question suggested by a visitor. Do you think the courts should implement firm punishments upon those who knowingly: perjure themselves during divorce proceedings; or those who abuse the process; or those who take off with the children in direct violation of a court order?
20.	Please select one: I am a man. I am a woman.
21.	What is your age group?
22.	Without exception, the parenting plan exists for the benefit of the children. With this in mind please select one of the following. In most cases, the parenting plan exists to protect... The parenting plan exists only to protect the rights of the mother from the father. The parenting plan exists only to protect the rights of the father from the mother. The parenting plan exists to protect the rights of both the mother and the father.
Comments? Please share them here. Do you have a suggestion for a new survey question?
Willing to share your answers? Please be sure to inclued your e-mail address somewhere in the "Comments" section your submission if you would like me to contact you. If not, that's ok too.
In closing: How did you do? Did you find that many of the actions described above fell into the "I am NOT OK with this" category? If you did you are not alone, many do. The whole idea of this survey is not to bash men or women, nor to bring up things that make us angry. Rather, the whole idea is to get us to honestly look at ourselves, and then ask some hard questions: Does my ex do anything similar to these things? If yes, do I think it is inappropriate for them to do so? Do I do anything similar to these things? If yes, would I think it is wrong for my ex to do the very same things? If I think it's wrong for my ex to do these things, why don't I think it's wrong for me to do them? Am I using a double set of standards? Should I stop doing what I do? I know I wouldn't mean to, but have I accidentally hurt my child? If I think something is bad for my children that my ex-spouse is doing, I should not do it either – Right? Let's look at this by using a couple of examples from above; why would it be acceptable for a mother to tell lies to a child about a father, but be wrong for a father to tell lies to a child about a mother? Why would it be acceptable for a mother to intercept and throw away little cards and letters a father mails to his child, but be wrong for a father to do the same. Do you see what I mean? Do you see what I'm getting at? I'm discussing specific actions, not specific genders. I'm trying to get us to look at what we do and how that affects our children. Remember, we can't say things such as "My children agree with me," "It's true," or "He/she deserves it." Even if it's true, even if your children do agree with you, and your ex really does deserve it (there are many real losers out there that shouldn't have anything to do with their children), it still doesn't make it right – two wrongs don't make a right. Plus, most children want to love both parents, they really want to spend time with their mom and dad. All children are hurt by deadbeat behavior, all children suffer when we don't rise up and do what is best for them. We have to ask ourselves, "Do I love my child more than I hate my ex?" If the answer to that question is "Yes", that means choosing to keep our mouths under total control when our children can hear. We don't have to like our ex; I know I don't like mine, but from the beginning I made the conscious choice to do the best I could to control what I said when my child was around. And I've done a pretty good job; I can honestly say on average I've only misspoken about once every year and a half since 1996. Instead of venting when my child is near, I chose to share my feelings of betrayal, anger, dislike and frustration towards my ex-wife in a more appropriate way; with my friends and family members – when my child is not around. If I can do it, I know you can too! Go ahead, give it a try; your restraint will take a load off your children.

Did you know...

"Significant correlations were found between the father's reports of positive relationships with their adolescent offspring and teacher reports of less anxiety/withdrawal on the part of the adolescents." (29)
"Fathers have much to offer their adolescent children in many areas, including their career development, moral development, and sex role identification." (30)
"Fathers who spend time with their children teach them values." (31)

Source of quote

Disclaimer: The reader is always 100% responsible for his or her own actions: I am not now, nor will I ever be, responsible for your actions.
      I am not a professional therapist or counselor. Except where I'm quoting somebody else, or where somebody else is sharing their story, the rest is basically my story, my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs etc. not the current teaching or viewpoint from the world of professional therapy in any form. This site does not offer advice, counsel, or guidance in any way shape or form concerning how any reader should conduct their affairs, legal or otherwise. No part of this website is designed to help you with any ongoing struggle or problem you may be experiencing with an ex-partner of any type.
      This website exists strictly for the limited purposes of 1) telling my story, 2) expressing myself, 3) offering others a place to anonymously share their comments, and 4) gathering unscientific data via the questionnaire.
      My position is that any man or women who visits this site should always 1) obey all the laws and statutes that govern whatever part of Planet Earth has a jurisdiction over them, and 2) unless doing so places a child in actual, extreme, physical danger where the police should be called; always obey any parenting plan that any legitimate court of law has rendered which has jurisdiction over them.
      All information given on the Test Statistics page is informal and non-scientific. However the numbers shown are based on the actual totals for submissions received.
      This disclaimer could change at any time with no notice.

Will you take part in a survey?

In closing: